Life is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny haha. Well, it is that also, but not today...
This morning I was driving to work and one of my all time favorite songs came on, so I turned it up and was singing along, driving through the roller coaster ride of hills and curves that is my trip to work each day, and I was thinking that maybe I will post the chorus as my FB status for today, and as I was singing it, I burst into tears.
Sublime ~ "what i got" was the song, and as I sang one of the all time great lyrics that are basically a synopsis of my personal credo 'Carpe Diem" - it hit me that my friend is gone. I found out two days ago that one of my good friends from my college years and many years afterward died last January. I haven't spoken to Fawne since I moved out of Florida, but I think about her often.
Fawne was one of those people that you can only take in small doses. An itty bitty, very loud and obnoxious New York Jew transplanted to Florida, my friend was extremely high maintenance but a ton of fun. She was also exhausting. I met Fawne through my friend's boyfriend's roommate, and we became close friends over the years. Fawne moved back to New York for a couple of years in the late 90s but we talked by phone often.
Fawne was my oldest daughters godmother, we used to take Melissa everywhere with us when she was little. When Melissa was 12 I let her go spend some time with Fawne in NYC over the summer. She had a blast, and one day I got a phone call from the village, I think, with Fawne asking if it was OK if Melissa pierced her nose. I said no problem, she's 12, pierce her nose if she wants. Melissa survived the trip with no further injury, had a great time......and came home with the cutest little diamond stud. Adorable. Everything about that girl is adorable. :) Love you Lis...
Fawne was packing to move back to South Florida and called me on 9.11 to say she could see the smoke from the towers from her apartment window, and to tell me that the movers had left the door to the roof open and her beloved Wiemeraner was chasing birds on the roof and chased them right off the roof. Fawne was devastated. Asia was like her child. She was also stuck in New York with no furniture, as the movers were already on their way to Florida when the planes hit. She finally made it back to FL, and it was nice to have her back. Small doses, though. She had also made some wrong turns while living in New York, and was never exactly the same.
When I moved to Indiana, I made the choice to leave her behind. I was leaving for a fresh start and trying to erase all negative influences. As much as I loved her, it was time to let her go. It was hard to lose contact with someone that had been a huge part of my life from 1986-2001. I thought about her often, though. Especially this time of year. Fawne's birthday would have been next week. Instead we are marking the anniversary of her death a year ago.
I have wanted to contact her family and ask how she was doing for at least five years, but I was always afraid of the answer that I would get. I thought about her most of the day on Monday, with help from the radio that kept playing songs that she would sing - she was an amazing singer and worked singing in bars and clubs on Miami Beach for years...I guess the universe was telling me it was time to know the truth. I sent her brother a message and within a few minutes I got the reply I had been dreading for years. Fawne died last January.
I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you, Fawne. I held on as long as I could and then I had to let you go. I wonder if I had been there, if I could have helped you. I guess these questions will always haunt me. As I type this I am crying again. I guess I was in shock for the past couple of days and now the reality of her death is setting in. It's always hard to learn that one of your peers is gone. You are forced to face your own mortality.
Anyway, "life is too short so love the one you got, cause you might get run over or you might get shot" .... Love you always, Fawne. Even if we haven't talked for a long time, you are always in my heart. "Love is, what I got. Just remember that"..... xoxo
