Thursday, January 19, 2012
2012 - new year, new me
Well, here we go again. 2011 was a year of change for me. I made plans to leave the company that I had worked for since 2003 - I wasn't sure what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I knew this was not it. I was working 60-90 hours a week and making decent money, but it was not about the money any more. I was tired of being in an abusive working relationship and sacrificing myself for a paycheck. I had created a LinkedIn profile over the summer and was trying to decide if I wanted to go back to school or how I would spend the next segment of my life. At 42, you could say that I was having a midlife crisis but I think that I was just waking up. I had been on stress meds to control the chest pains caused by anxiety and the facial tic that was becoming all too regular and I had had enough. You shouldn't have to take drugs to go to work. Even moving to Cincinnati and not working in the office anymore wasn't enough to end the physical manifestations of my elevated stress levels, and when I was told that I was going to move back to Indy and come back to work in the office I knew that was not an option. NO amount of money would be worth having to listen to the drivel and ignorance that was spouted there on a regular basis. Anyway, as I contemplated my future and what I wanted to do, my boss found my LinkedIn profile and went ballistic. He fired me over it. I have never been so happy in my life. Funny to think that I walked around with my heart singing and a smile plastered to my face even as I knew I was going to be terminated. I could not believe my luck. I never thought that I would not have a job. I have worked since I was 14 years old. There were times during college that I had 3 or 4 jobs while I was going to school full time. Not work? I was happy to collect unemployment for a while (the HORROR!) and heal. Lord knows I needed some healing. I was broken. I had just left Cincinnati and all of my belongings were in storage - there was nothing keeping me in Indiana. I was only there for the job. Great place to live and a wonderful place to raise a family. I loved Carmel; it is Perfectville, USA, but it isn't reality for most and I couldn't get out of Indy fast enough. I did not know where I was going to end up, but I knew it wasn't there. I moved to Michigan with hope that a new venture would take off and with high hopes for a new life, knowing that there was a possibility that things would not go as hoped and accepting this with the knowledge that if things didn't work out I would just go home. I was willing to take that chance. I can't believe that I moved here five months ago. Time flies. I still don't know what I am going to do with my life, but I have some ideas. The most important thing to me is to be there for the kids. I worked so much for so long and always put the job first. Look where it got me - medicated and miserable. I won't make that mistake again. I want to do something that I love. I want to be surrounded by the people that I love. I want to be happy. I always equated money with security and happiness. I was wrong. Security, maybe. Not happiness. I've never been happier...and I plan to stay that way.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Grief is the word...
Life is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny haha. Well, it is that also, but not today...
This morning I was driving to work and one of my all time favorite songs came on, so I turned it up and was singing along, driving through the roller coaster ride of hills and curves that is my trip to work each day, and I was thinking that maybe I will post the chorus as my FB status for today, and as I was singing it, I burst into tears.
Sublime ~ "what i got" was the song, and as I sang one of the all time great lyrics that are basically a synopsis of my personal credo 'Carpe Diem" - it hit me that my friend is gone. I found out two days ago that one of my good friends from my college years and many years afterward died last January. I haven't spoken to Fawne since I moved out of Florida, but I think about her often.
Fawne was one of those people that you can only take in small doses. An itty bitty, very loud and obnoxious New York Jew transplanted to Florida, my friend was extremely high maintenance but a ton of fun. She was also exhausting. I met Fawne through my friend's boyfriend's roommate, and we became close friends over the years. Fawne moved back to New York for a couple of years in the late 90s but we talked by phone often.
Fawne was my oldest daughters godmother, we used to take Melissa everywhere with us when she was little. When Melissa was 12 I let her go spend some time with Fawne in NYC over the summer. She had a blast, and one day I got a phone call from the village, I think, with Fawne asking if it was OK if Melissa pierced her nose. I said no problem, she's 12, pierce her nose if she wants. Melissa survived the trip with no further injury, had a great time......and came home with the cutest little diamond stud. Adorable. Everything about that girl is adorable. :) Love you Lis...
Fawne was packing to move back to South Florida and called me on 9.11 to say she could see the smoke from the towers from her apartment window, and to tell me that the movers had left the door to the roof open and her beloved Wiemeraner was chasing birds on the roof and chased them right off the roof. Fawne was devastated. Asia was like her child. She was also stuck in New York with no furniture, as the movers were already on their way to Florida when the planes hit. She finally made it back to FL, and it was nice to have her back. Small doses, though. She had also made some wrong turns while living in New York, and was never exactly the same.
When I moved to Indiana, I made the choice to leave her behind. I was leaving for a fresh start and trying to erase all negative influences. As much as I loved her, it was time to let her go. It was hard to lose contact with someone that had been a huge part of my life from 1986-2001. I thought about her often, though. Especially this time of year. Fawne's birthday would have been next week. Instead we are marking the anniversary of her death a year ago.
I have wanted to contact her family and ask how she was doing for at least five years, but I was always afraid of the answer that I would get. I thought about her most of the day on Monday, with help from the radio that kept playing songs that she would sing - she was an amazing singer and worked singing in bars and clubs on Miami Beach for years...I guess the universe was telling me it was time to know the truth. I sent her brother a message and within a few minutes I got the reply I had been dreading for years. Fawne died last January.
I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you, Fawne. I held on as long as I could and then I had to let you go. I wonder if I had been there, if I could have helped you. I guess these questions will always haunt me. As I type this I am crying again. I guess I was in shock for the past couple of days and now the reality of her death is setting in. It's always hard to learn that one of your peers is gone. You are forced to face your own mortality.
Anyway, "life is too short so love the one you got, cause you might get run over or you might get shot" .... Love you always, Fawne. Even if we haven't talked for a long time, you are always in my heart. "Love is, what I got. Just remember that"..... xoxo
This morning I was driving to work and one of my all time favorite songs came on, so I turned it up and was singing along, driving through the roller coaster ride of hills and curves that is my trip to work each day, and I was thinking that maybe I will post the chorus as my FB status for today, and as I was singing it, I burst into tears.
Sublime ~ "what i got" was the song, and as I sang one of the all time great lyrics that are basically a synopsis of my personal credo 'Carpe Diem" - it hit me that my friend is gone. I found out two days ago that one of my good friends from my college years and many years afterward died last January. I haven't spoken to Fawne since I moved out of Florida, but I think about her often.
Fawne was one of those people that you can only take in small doses. An itty bitty, very loud and obnoxious New York Jew transplanted to Florida, my friend was extremely high maintenance but a ton of fun. She was also exhausting. I met Fawne through my friend's boyfriend's roommate, and we became close friends over the years. Fawne moved back to New York for a couple of years in the late 90s but we talked by phone often.
Fawne was my oldest daughters godmother, we used to take Melissa everywhere with us when she was little. When Melissa was 12 I let her go spend some time with Fawne in NYC over the summer. She had a blast, and one day I got a phone call from the village, I think, with Fawne asking if it was OK if Melissa pierced her nose. I said no problem, she's 12, pierce her nose if she wants. Melissa survived the trip with no further injury, had a great time......and came home with the cutest little diamond stud. Adorable. Everything about that girl is adorable. :) Love you Lis...
Fawne was packing to move back to South Florida and called me on 9.11 to say she could see the smoke from the towers from her apartment window, and to tell me that the movers had left the door to the roof open and her beloved Wiemeraner was chasing birds on the roof and chased them right off the roof. Fawne was devastated. Asia was like her child. She was also stuck in New York with no furniture, as the movers were already on their way to Florida when the planes hit. She finally made it back to FL, and it was nice to have her back. Small doses, though. She had also made some wrong turns while living in New York, and was never exactly the same.
When I moved to Indiana, I made the choice to leave her behind. I was leaving for a fresh start and trying to erase all negative influences. As much as I loved her, it was time to let her go. It was hard to lose contact with someone that had been a huge part of my life from 1986-2001. I thought about her often, though. Especially this time of year. Fawne's birthday would have been next week. Instead we are marking the anniversary of her death a year ago.
I have wanted to contact her family and ask how she was doing for at least five years, but I was always afraid of the answer that I would get. I thought about her most of the day on Monday, with help from the radio that kept playing songs that she would sing - she was an amazing singer and worked singing in bars and clubs on Miami Beach for years...I guess the universe was telling me it was time to know the truth. I sent her brother a message and within a few minutes I got the reply I had been dreading for years. Fawne died last January.
I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you, Fawne. I held on as long as I could and then I had to let you go. I wonder if I had been there, if I could have helped you. I guess these questions will always haunt me. As I type this I am crying again. I guess I was in shock for the past couple of days and now the reality of her death is setting in. It's always hard to learn that one of your peers is gone. You are forced to face your own mortality.
Anyway, "life is too short so love the one you got, cause you might get run over or you might get shot" .... Love you always, Fawne. Even if we haven't talked for a long time, you are always in my heart. "Love is, what I got. Just remember that"..... xoxo
Monday, October 11, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me! Reflections on the past 41 years
Happy Birthday to Me! On the eve of my 42nd birthday, I am reflecting on my life, my accomplishments, my family and my friends.
I don't have a problem with getting older, I feel that a birthday is truly reason to celebrate. It is a time to be thankful that I made it through another year. I have added 365 more days of joy, laughter, hope, fear, worry, pain and love to the story of my life. I have also learned at least 365 more lessons, making me that much smarter! (lol @ Jane) It is funny how when we are very young, we want to know everything; as we are teens we think we know everything; as we get older we know that we know nothing at all & have so much to learn; and sadly too often as we are in our golden years we begin to forget everything that we once knew.
I am blessed with three beautiful girls that I have raised on my own. I gladly claim them as mine and know that it is my example and leadership that has turned them into the smart, independent, funny, hard working, lovable young ladies that they are today. A friend remarked to me last year that it was amazing how wonderful my girls are considering the fact that I am a single mom. My reply was that is exactly why they are so great....I did not have anyone to help me screw them up! I am not claiming to be a perfect parent. I make bad choices. I make mistakes. I have good days and bad days, and unfortunately as a single parent raising girls without the help of their fathers, either emotionally or financially, I am always overworked, stressed, frequently easily annoyed and yes I can be overly bitchy. For that I am sorry. Such is life. One of the best things about my girls is that they KNOW how hard I work and they appreciate it. I have taught them the value of a dollar, and they all understand that you have to earn the things that you get in life and that no one is going to hand you anything for nothing. My children are not spoiled. They do not have the sense of entitlement that so many children of this generation do. My children are well mannered - they are not rude (except to each other; ah the joys of sisterhood). My children also do not take anything for granted. They each have a work ethic to rival most adults, even at their young ages. And thank God they have each other, were anything ever to happen to me.
I am SO very proud of all 3 of you girls, and it is for you that I work such long hours and so hard. Alexa, you call me a workaholic. My darling, it is not by choice. Everything that I do is for you. I love you girls and you make life worth living. I cannot imagine, nor would I want to, life without you. I am so proud of all 3 of you.
I am lucky & blessed to have a great family & some of the best friends that anyone could ask for. You know who you are, and you know that I would do anything for you. As my BFF Dina once said "to know you is to love you". I love you & miss you so much, Dina.
Love comes in many forms. If there is one thing that I am most grateful for in this life, it is love. I love you! xoxo
I don't have a problem with getting older, I feel that a birthday is truly reason to celebrate. It is a time to be thankful that I made it through another year. I have added 365 more days of joy, laughter, hope, fear, worry, pain and love to the story of my life. I have also learned at least 365 more lessons, making me that much smarter! (lol @ Jane) It is funny how when we are very young, we want to know everything; as we are teens we think we know everything; as we get older we know that we know nothing at all & have so much to learn; and sadly too often as we are in our golden years we begin to forget everything that we once knew.
I am blessed with three beautiful girls that I have raised on my own. I gladly claim them as mine and know that it is my example and leadership that has turned them into the smart, independent, funny, hard working, lovable young ladies that they are today. A friend remarked to me last year that it was amazing how wonderful my girls are considering the fact that I am a single mom. My reply was that is exactly why they are so great....I did not have anyone to help me screw them up! I am not claiming to be a perfect parent. I make bad choices. I make mistakes. I have good days and bad days, and unfortunately as a single parent raising girls without the help of their fathers, either emotionally or financially, I am always overworked, stressed, frequently easily annoyed and yes I can be overly bitchy. For that I am sorry. Such is life. One of the best things about my girls is that they KNOW how hard I work and they appreciate it. I have taught them the value of a dollar, and they all understand that you have to earn the things that you get in life and that no one is going to hand you anything for nothing. My children are not spoiled. They do not have the sense of entitlement that so many children of this generation do. My children are well mannered - they are not rude (except to each other; ah the joys of sisterhood). My children also do not take anything for granted. They each have a work ethic to rival most adults, even at their young ages. And thank God they have each other, were anything ever to happen to me.
I am SO very proud of all 3 of you girls, and it is for you that I work such long hours and so hard. Alexa, you call me a workaholic. My darling, it is not by choice. Everything that I do is for you. I love you girls and you make life worth living. I cannot imagine, nor would I want to, life without you. I am so proud of all 3 of you.
I am lucky & blessed to have a great family & some of the best friends that anyone could ask for. You know who you are, and you know that I would do anything for you. As my BFF Dina once said "to know you is to love you". I love you & miss you so much, Dina.
Love comes in many forms. If there is one thing that I am most grateful for in this life, it is love. I love you! xoxo
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Greetings & Salutations
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a writer. I love to read, and my favorite subject was English. I always got A's without even trying. It would have been a natural progression. I went to college with a double major; English & Communications. Instead of elective courses, I took more English courses than I needed, because I loved them. I took honors seminars that consisted of reading the classics and writing papers that required you to compare/contrast the themes of three authors (ie. Plato, Socrates & Aristotle, etc) - I always wrote my papers the night before they were due, with no outline or rough draft. I never proof read them, I just spell checked, turned them in and without fail received an A or B+. Ironically, this is also how I learned to type, at a rate of 90+ words per minute. Somewhere along the line, reality set in (probably with the birth of Melissa between my sophomore and junior year) and I considered journalism. I applied for an internship at CNN, and thankfully I did not get it. I am sure it would have led to the job of a lifetime, but after doing my college internship in the news room at 610 WIOD /97GTR I learned that I hated the news and journalism was not the career path for me - and I did NOT enjoy getting to work at 4am most days). I loved working at the radio station, but I spent every spare minute possible in the booth with Nick the producer for the Steve Kane show. I got my first tattoo live on the air on the Steve Kane show - he wanted a guinea pig before he had his done. If it hurt too much, he wasn't doing it. So as Tats Taylor started drilling, I did not allow myself to flinch or indicate in any way whatsoever that I was in any kind of pain. That tat was small and only took about 10 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. When Steve asked me if it hurt as they were drilling, I lied my ass off & said 'no, it's kind of a tickle....a hard tickle.' Needless to say, when they started to outline the bumblebee that he was putting on his ass, they had to bleep out about 10 minutes of the show as he called me every dirty name in the book. Sorry, Steve..couldn't let you back out. I still don't watch much news, it is much too sensationalistic and depressing. I get my news online. However, I still do not quite understand how I ended up doing what I am doing today. God definitely has a sense of humor. I have never really blogged before, except for a few small comments on my myspace blog long ago, but I have decided to give it a try. Maybe if I let some of the monsters that live inside of my head out it will lead to fun & entertaining reading.... Peace!
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